Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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