take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
