i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
