whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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