I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
