Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
