New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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