I just saw a hot homeless man
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
