I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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