every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
