my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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