so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
