Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
