dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
