Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
