you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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