I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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