ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
