Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Randomize
