Fine. I'll sleep in my office
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
