I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
