Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I need a beard to bite.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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