I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
