i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
