im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
