Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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