....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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