so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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