About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Also, beer. Big fan.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
