She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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