she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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