I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
