you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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