I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
