he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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