Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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