Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
