I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
everyone is single if you try hard enough
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize