Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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