when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
The power of my boobs compel you
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
