I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
