I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Randomize
