Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
