the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
That reminds me...we need to get swords
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
