i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
