How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize
