the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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