Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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