I cannot find my penis.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
