Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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