Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
