I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
