I hate all girls vehemently.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize