Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
