he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize