the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
