I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
