the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Slut skills are useful in every country.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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